I'm not sure how I've gotten the winter blues living in Arizona with perfect winter weather, but it feels like I've been extra emotional about the most random things the last few months.
I have the thought often that I am not doing enough (particularly with reading / studying the scriptures and being sincerely prayerful). I'm having guilt, but it's not transferring into an any action or change in behavior. Dare I say that I am lacking a desire in this area?
I have also been seeking ways to increase my happiness having to do with church service ... I'm just not getting that warm, fuzzy feeling when serving but feeling irritable, stressed and resentment. And then I research a topic like "Sacrifice" (i.e., church talk) or go to the temple and I am reminded about the importance of dedicating ourselves to building the kingdom.
I keep reminding myself of the importance of my yearly goals but for whatever reason, I seem to keep putting them off (I'll get to that after camp, or do that after that YW activity that I'm in charge of, etc.). I am trying to look for realistic ways to work on my relationships and do more sweet things for my husband and children.
I have also been having a lot of negative thoughts it seems, so I'm trying to figure out ways on how to see the positive in more situations and trying to think about what I say before I say it.
Speaking of the positive, here goes ... I am going to pat myself on the back for doing a better job at dishes and making the beds (nowhere near perfect, but better) and I am continuing my budget tracking and have been able to help a few family members as well.
I have come a long way on my attitude towards my neighborhood. I am so happy with our house and our backyard is perfect for the kids. I long for a family-friendly neighborhood, but that will come one day. Our neighbors keep very private and hidden away and there is a very wide demographics of age, with us being the very youngest by a long shot. I am also continuing to work on my attitude towards my ward ... I'm pretty sure it's a well known fact that I've struggled with feeling like I fit in here. That plus the realization that we will not ever be in a ward like Hyde Park - so I can just be grateful for the experiences I had there, but will not use it as measuring stick against future wards, because I know that it just won't measure up. A lot of those good feelings had to do with the time of life we were in - a young, married couple just starting our family and we were surrounded by so many other church member that were in the exact same situation as us. It was pretty special. So I am working on appreciating my ward for what it is and trying to focus on the worship part of church, and focusing less on any social part. And to be honest, I leave church many times after wrestling with the kids, wondering if anyone got anything out of it. But I'm glad to have gone and fulfilled our duty, partaken of the sacrament and at least made an attempt to worship. I also try to be kind, particularly to new-comers, but deep down I know that I am a little jaded and hope I don't come across that way. I regret the fact that I cowardly "gave up" after the first year and half to two years here. I wonder what others say about us - not too many know enough to talk - and I know it's not important, but I still wonder. On a positive note, I rarely gossip about others in the ward to friends especially since I don't know anyone's business to share, so that has been a breath of fresh air and I have been guilt-free in that department. See, look at me being little-miss-positive-pants. :)
I am happy in my mother role. Monday through Friday, I am pretty gung-ho and keep a good routine for the kids. I naturally ease off a little on the weekends - less timeouts, less cleaning, etc. Of course I could do better in some areas, but I don't beat up on myself, I self correct pretty easily in this role and can easily recognize the areas that need improving. Then I try to work on those things and do what's best for each kid. It's a challenging, and a sometimes rewarding job and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have learned more about myself as a parent, then I ever imagined, and I love those two kidlets more than I ever thought was possible.
