I have some questions about your techniques and opinions about disciplining your toddlers ...
- Have you read any amazing books on the subject?
- At what age should you begin doing "timeout"?
- How do you be consistent about what behaviors merit a "timeout"?
- Where do you have timeout? A chair, their room, the stairs, etc.
- How do you be consistent with timeout at a friends house, church, grocery store, etc?
Of course I tell her "no" now - about 25+ times per day - but I haven't been comfortable with timeout yet. Her behavior is not malicious - everything is just a game at this stage. I think as we move into a house (hopefully!), it will be a great time to really be consistent about disciplining. She is exactly 15 months old now and my new pediatrician told me that I should have started timeout 6 months ago. Not sure I agree with full-blown timeouts that young, but I got his point that disciplining consistently and at an early age is very beneficial. So what are your thoughts?
22 comments:
I know I'm not a mom yet but I really wanted to comment. I do watch Super Nanny and have friends that are moms! (do either of those count???) :)
From everything I know about kids and read you should put them on a chair. It shouldn't be in an area where other "good" activities take place (ie: their bedrooms, bathroom, etc..) it should be in a neutral place like by the stairs or a living room.
A book that I hear about tons which has high reviews on Amazon.com is: 1,2,3 Magic for kids. They also have a website with other books. http://www.parentmagic.com/
Whitney,
Ella is 16 months now. She is the same way, nothing malicious, but she definitely pushes buttons and tries her limits. I just barely started time out. We do a chair in the middle of the kitchen. You can tell she knows what's going on. I've also tried to start using the word "yucky" instead of no all the time. When she throws something, or tries to hit, I just tell her "Ella, that's yucky." She even knows how to say yucky. It's not like she's turned around right away, but I can tell she knows she's being parented and it's working. (hopefully :)
I waited until mine were almost in nursery, but before that age, DISTRACTION was how I coped. And I try to say "yes!" as much as possible (and distraction is required here) and then when my kids hear "no!" it means more.
Good luck. It's sure tough.
Oh, and LOTS of positive praise.
I have a feeling you are going to get A TON of responses, and you better believe that I will be coming back to read them. I feel like this is the stage where motherhood gets a ton more fun, but also a lot harder and more work!
I started timeout at about a year, 30 seconds only. I hear it's supposed to be about a minute for ever year (1 year olds get 1 minute), so I worked it up to a minute. You must be a really patient woman, because I have no fear using timeout. I tell them once and if they do it again, they go to timeout. (of course what they're usually doing is harmful to the other, so maybe I have less of a choice). And of course they're not being malicious, but you still have to teach them what they can and cannot do.
I say things are "not for Ethan/ Kate" instead of always saying "no." They learn things that are for them and not for them.
I read Babywise (for toddlers or something like that- not the sleeping one) and liked a few things that they had to say. One thing (I don't remember where I read this one) is to try not to say, "good girl" when they do something good. The key is to teach them that they ARE good and some of the behaviors are just not the right decision (I have a friend who says "Max, that's not a good decision" all the time and it cracks me up- he's not even 2). Anyway, supposedly it messes with their confidence when they feel that every decision they make makes them either a good girl or bad girl. So... I say a lot of "good job" or "that was a really nice thing."
Last thing, I promise. This is something Super Nanny does so I feel like I should be saying it in a british accent when I put them in timeout, but you really have to explain every singe time why they are going to time out and again when they are done and then they have to give loves, apologize, whatever it is you make her do before she comes out, or she goes right back in.
Those are the few things I've tried in the 8 short months I've been disciplining. I'm sure you've learned some of your own, and I can't wait to read all of the advice you've gotten.
Like Lauren I will be checking back often to see what everyone else says. I can't believe I already have to be thinking about this. Yikes.
My sister is a social worker in an elementary school and she recommended 1,2,3 Magic for kids as well. I haven't read it yet but apparently I need to get on the ball.
I've also started saying "only Mommy does this" or "only for Mommy". I don't know if he understands yet but at least I'm getting in the habit of it. He has started throwing mini tantrums and I'm not sure how to deal with them.
Whit, I have zero advice to give. I thought I was doing pretty well teaching my child how to behave until the last couple months when we have been struggling with discipline. I am starting to read 1-2-3 magic tonight. I was given the book for free and didn't know if it was any good. Now that people are recommending it, I'll give it a try and let you know.
I did want to thank you for being such a good example of healthy sleep habits. Ever since the meltdown of Burrville we have kept Mason on a really tight bedtime routine and it has made a world of difference in his happiness. I wish Rachel was older than Mason because I have learned so much from your example and I feel bad for Mason that I'm learning everything a year late.
I didn't read the book "Parenting with Love and Logic" until I had difficult teenagers and after I did I wished I would have read it earlier. It's a good book on parenting that really made sense to me.
I don't come from the "Car Seat" and "Time Out Chairs" generation of raising kids, but I also know kids come a lot more strong willed now (which I'm sure is connected to the fulness of times we're living in). But my kids still learned what was right or wrong by good old lectures and spanks on the hands or butt. And then the scripture, "He who spareth the rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him correcteth him betimes" (Proverbs 13:24)
You have to remember that public opinions of discipline and parenting change each generation and time usually shows if their techniques worked or not. Hopefully, gone are the days of excess praise and reward with no attention to negative behavior.
These kids grew up thinking they were the best at everything, should be rewarded for the simplist tasks and a had an entitlement mentality that hits them in the face when they reach real life.
So, I guess my point is that the wave of popular disipline opinion isn't the only and correct method. Each child is different and study and prayer and living by the Spirit to know what to do and oh, yes trial and error will determine what is best for you and Rachel. She's smart, she understands more than you think.
I've read 123 Magic and while it is good and I think it will probably be more fitting for Rachel than for my kids, I strongly recommend Winning the Whining Wars and Other Skirmishes along with it. This book is golden and I love the philosophy.
Time out can definitely be done by 1 year. I used a pack n play in my room for those won't sit in a chair or corner. It is just so easy to get them there quick and ignore. I've heard of people using the crib in a pinch, but I like to reserve it for sleep. Don't feel bad about time out. It isn't so much a punishment or miserable place as it is sending a message that the behavior doesn't have a place in the fun areas with people and toys.
If you do start reading books...read 3 so you can combine ideas and find the perfect fit for your child. The is no ultimate book/method. Plus, your next child will probably be different so you might as well start filling your bag with tricks now.
Another good book is Parenting with Love and Logic. You may not use anything from it just yet, but I think the philosophy is important. They also have weekly emails that I like to get.
We couldn't put Madeleine in time-out when she was that young because any time she cried she would throw up, so we didn't really start time-out until she was three. Let me tell you, three is a BAD time to start. Definitely start now if you can. I like Super Nanny's book (I don't remember what it's called). Her method seems just right to me (although we're still working on it with Madeleine). Good luck!
Sorry, no advise here....but thanks for posting this! I've been struggling with this same topic the last couple of weeks and I was curious to see what others are doing! Can you believe we're already at the "discipline stage" ??? crazy how fast it goes!
I hadn't even considered time-out for Owen yet, because I thought he was too young still. Based on these comments, maybe I'll start to think about it more now. I do catch myself saying "no" a lot, and I try to change it to something different (that's dangerous, that will hurt you, not for Owen, that's mommy's, etc.). It's hard. I think I really need to start reading some of these books too! Good luck with Rachel!
Wow! So I took a wonderful class in college (my favorite class) that helped me a lot. She said to set 3 rules. "We keep ourselves safe, we keep our things safe, and we keep our friends/family safe." They are pretty vague and allow for a lot of things to be covered. I did not feel Henry was ready for anything like time outs until like 2. He just wouldn't get it. I give him a warning telling him it's a warning and I'd like him to stop what he is doing if it falls under one of those things and if he does it again, it's time out on a tall chair he can't get off of for 2 minutes. I think time out for not listening is perfectly ok if it falls under one of those 3 rules again. Anyway, good luck, who knows?!
Impressive responses! I appreciate the feedback - I put a few books on hold at the library and will do a follow up post when after I do some reading. Thanks for all the advice!
We use 1,2,3 Magic and it really works with our boys.
Timeout at this age is more to establish your "authority" to your 1 year old, they won't really understand the concept, but with time they get it.
Thought I'd pass on something I saw another mom do with her kid while they were playing at our house. Time-out for them meant finding the closest wall and putting both hands on the wall and counting to ten (or longer with age and restarting if his hands left the wall).
When I asked her about it she said that it worked well for her because wherever you go you can always find a wall. Plus it keeps their hands and feet occupied while minimizing visual stimulus so they have time to calm down.
I have been putting Kate in time out for months now! I tried the hitting her hand when she did something wrong but she would just laugh so i tried the timeout and she really does not like it, so it works. i just do a minute for her age and put her in the corner facing the wall then when her time is up i explain to her what she did and it seems to work pretty well!
Ahhh, the question that every mother asks herself!! Ok, so I put my kids in timeout for the age they are ( Erika for four min cause she is 4 and Landon for 1 because he is 1) Erika hardly ever has to go to timeout anymore, but she when she does, she has a spot in her room where she goes and has to stay. Same with Landon, but he goes a lot more often.
As far as when to send them to time out. I always warn my kids first and tell them they can CHOOSE to listen to me or got to time out. All of my discipline is based on choice and consequence... good choice = good consequence, bad = bad. I found this is a good way to do it, because they know they have a choice, and what the consequence will be and that makes it so I am not the bad guy. THEY made the choice.
Lots and lots of praise. My kids each have a jar that they put "rocks" into when they make a good choice. Every time they get a rock, I say, "Landon you ROCK, thanks for making a good choice." When their jar is full, they get to go on a date with Aaron or I and get a little something special. It has gone a long long way!!
GOOD LUCK!! It is no fun to discipline, but it pays off when your kid is the one that is well behaved and not yelling at you in public or throwing fits:)
I know this is a little late but I highly recommend MAKING THE TERRIBLE TWOS TERRIFIC. He includes the "terrible twos" from about 18 months to 3 years. This really helped me with Whitney aka "strongest willed child ever". Just a word of warning, he's anti-TV and a little bit sexist and unapologetic for it. But if you can get past those things his advice is solid and made me feel so much more confident with my discipline strategies.
All of these are awesome ideas, as you know Whitney, our girls are a few weeks apart & I too have been thinking about this topic for the last couple of days. FUnny! I too don't like to say "no" so much, but I started at a young age when she did something good that I would say "yeah" and clap my hands. Now she knows when she does something good, or something she likes, she automatically does it herself. Also, I found when I don't pay attention to her tantrums and just walk away, she stops quickly and is just fine again. Hope this helps, I too enjoyed everyone's comments, all good suggestions.
All of these are awesome ideas, as you know Whitney, our girls are a few weeks apart & I too have been thinking about this topic for the last couple of days. FUnny! I too don't like to say "no" so much, but I started at a young age when she did something good that I would say "yeah" and clap my hands. Now she knows when she does something good, or something she likes, she automatically does it herself. Also, I found when I don't pay attention to her tantrums and just walk away, she stops quickly and is just fine again. Hope this helps, I too enjoyed everyone's comments, all good suggestions.
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