I'm kind of weird about friendships, and figuring out all the different levels of friendship can get kind of complex (i.e., family relationships, like-a-sister-friend, a best friend, our-kids-get-along-great-friend, wanna-swap-babysitting friend, facebook-only friend, church friend, etc.). I don't mean to make it complicated, but different friendships require different attention. Friendships are very important to me, and I'm kind of a loyal friend (or at least I think I am, and try to be one). Particularly in Arizona where I don't have any family nearby - I NEED good friends. And because of all this, facebook/instagram just weren't doing it for me - I was dissatisfied with what they were providing me (other than the entertainment factor) and left feeling empty, but yet I was checking it multiple times a day (why?!), and I felt it was a bad habit.
Then I came across a few things and had some conversations that helped me decide that I wanted to take a little break. There were a couple articles I came across about moms and iPhones (see below). They were awesome reminders of what matters most, and I was even feeling slightly guilty - even though I don't even own a smartphone. I also had a conversation with my mom about what it means to "be still", and if our generation even knows how to do it with all the technology advancements and instant texting/email and interruptions. Then I saw this quote that really resonated with me, "When nobody else celebrates you, learn to celebrate yourself. When nobody else compliments you, then compliment yourself. It's not up to other people to keep you encouraged. It's up to you. Encouragement should come from the inside." It was a good reminder to not feel like I need others approval on social media to help me feel good about myself.
So I decided to not check facebook and instagram for all of March. It was great, and I didn't even feel like I missed much. Although, I did miss some major events for people (new babies!), but I doubt they noticed that I didn't "like" or comment. I just loved not being on my ipod Touch around the kids during the daytime. I think I was a better mom in March, paid more attention to my sweet children, and definitely had less negative thoughts (i.e., comparisons, judgements, rude remarks - all brief thoughts that weren't making me feel any happier). So after a month break, I decided that it would be unrealistic to get rid of it all together, but that I should probably narrow down the feed traffic (get rid of some "friends"), and that I shouldn't check facebook/instagram throughout the day, but save it for later at night after the kids are asleep. And hopefully I do it only after I have already read something worthwhile that day (scriptures, Ensign). That's the plan, and hopefully I'll be better off because of it.
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Articles I came across:
It came as a message in my inbox after the woman read my post The Children Have Spoken which included heart-breaking observations from children themselves about their parents excessive phone use.
Articles I came across:
Editor's note: This content by Tonya Ferguson originally appeared on her blog, 4 Little Fergusons. It has been posted here with the author's permission.
Dear mom on the iPhone,
I see you over there on the bench, messing on your iPhone. It feels good to relax a little while your kids have fun in the sunshine, doesn't it? You are doing a great job with your kids: You work hard, you teach them manners, have them do their chores.
But Momma, let me tell you what you don't see right now ...
Your little girl is spinning round and round, making her dress twirl. She is such a little beauty queen already, the sun shining behind her long hair. She keeps glancing your way to see if you are watching her.
You aren't.
Your little boy keeps shouting, "Mom, MOM watch this!" I see you acknowledge him, barely glancing his way.
He sees that too. His shoulders slump, but only for a moment, as he finds the next cool thing to do.
Now you are pushing your baby in the swing. She loves it! Cooing and smiling with every push. You don't see her though, do you? Your head is bent, your eyes on your phone as you absently push her swing.
Talk to her. Tell her about the clouds, Mommy. The Creator who made them. Tickle her tummy when she comes near you, and enjoy that baby belly laugh that leaves far too quickly.
Put your eyes back on your prize: your kids.
Show them that they are the priority. Wherever you are, be ALL there. I am not saying it's not OK to check in on your phone, but it's a time-sucker: User beware!
Play time at the park will be over before you know it.
The childhood of your children will be gone before you know it.
They won't always want to come to the park with you, Mommy. They won't always spin and twirl to make their new dress swish. They won't always call out, "WATCH ME!"
There will come a point when they stop trying, stop calling your name, stop bothering to interrupt your phone time.
Because they know ...
You've shown them, all these moments, that the phone is more important than they are. They see you looking at it at while waiting to pick up brother from school, during playtime, at the dinner table, at bedtime.
I know that's not true, Mommy.
I know your heart says differently.
But your kids can't hear your words, Mommy. Your actions are screaming way too loudly.
May our eyes rest upon those we love, first and foremost, and may everything else fall away in the wonderful, noisy, sticky-fingered glory of it all.
Editor's note: This post by Rachel Macy Stafford originally appeared on her blog, Hands Free Mama. It has been reprinted here with permission.
By sharing my own painful truths when it comes to the distractions of the modern age, I have gained an unexpected insight. In the 18 months my blog, Hands Free Mama, has existed, I have been privy to a new distraction confession every single day.
Up until now, I never knew what to do with this unusual collection of painful admissions from an overly connected society. But today, in a moment of clarity, I knew. And a woman with 35 years experience as a day care provider held the key.
As soon as I read the first sentence of the caregivers email, I knew this message was different than any I had ever received. The hairs on my arms stood up as I absorbed each word that came uncomfortably close to home.
It was a voice of heartache, wisdom, and urgency speaking directly the parents of the 21st century:
I can recall a time when you were out with your children you were really with them. You engaged in a back and forth dialog even if they were pre-verbal. You said, Look at the bus, see the doggie, etc. Now I see you on the phone, pushing your kids on the swings while distracted by your devices. You think you are spending time with them but you are not present really. When I see you pick up your kids at day care while youre on the phone, it breaks my heart. They hear your adult conversations. What do they overhear? What is the message they receive? I am not important; I am not important.
In a 100-word paragraph this concerned woman who has cared for babies since 1977 revealed a disturbing recipe ... How to Miss a Childhood.
And because I possess hundreds of distraction confessions, including stories from my own former highly distracted life, I have all the damaging ingredients.
All it takes is one child and one phone and this tragic recipe can be yours.
How to Miss a Childhood
Keep your phone turned on at all times of the day. Allow the rings, beeps, and buzzes to interrupt your child midsentence; always let the caller take priority.
Carry your phone around so much that when you happen to leave it in one room your child will come running with it proudly in hand treating it more like a much needed breathing apparatus than a communication device.
Decide the app youre playing is more important than throwing the ball in the yard with your kids. Even better, yell at them to leave you alone while you play your game.
Take your children to the zoo and spend so much time on your phone that your child looks longingly at the mother who is engaged with her children and wishes she was with her instead.
While you wait for the server to bring your food or the movie to start, get out your phone and stare at it despite the fact your child sits inches away longing for you talk to him.
Go to your childs sporting event and look up periodically from your phone thinking she wont notice that you are not fully focused on her game.
Check your phone first thing in the morning ... even before you kiss, hug, or greet the people in your family.
Neglect daily rituals like tucking your child into bed or nightly dinner conversation because you are too busy with your online activity.
Dont look up from your phone when your child speaks to you or just reply with an uh huh so she thinks you were listening.
Lose your temper with your child when he "bothers" you while you are interacting with your hand-held electronic device.
Give an exasperated sigh when your child asks you to push her on the swing. Cant she see you're busy?
Use drive time to call other people regardless of the fact you could be talking to your kids about their day or about their worries, their fears, or their dreams.
Read email and text messages at stoplights. Then tell yourself that when your kids are old enough to drive they wont remember you did this all the time.
Have the phone to your ear when she gets in or out of the car. Convince yourself a loving hello or goodbye is highly overrated.
Follow this recipe and you will have:
Missed opportunities for human connection
Fewer chances to create beautiful memories
Lack of connection to the people most precious to you
Inability to really know your children and them unable to know you
How to Grasp a Childhood:
Look into her eyes when she speaks to you. Your uninterrupted gaze is love to your child.
Take time to be with him really be with him by giving your full attention. The gift of your total presence is love to your child.
Hold his hand, rub her back, and smooth his hair. Your gentle touch is love to your child.
Greet her like you missed her when she was not in your presence. Seeing your face light up when you see her is love to your child.
Play with him. Your involvement in his activities is love to your child.
Set an example of being distraction-free while driving. Positive role modeling behind the wheel is love (and safety) to your child.
Create a distraction-free daily ritual. Consistently making him a priority each day is love to your child.
Talk to him. Ask him about his day. Listening to what he has to say is love to your child.
Focus and smile at her from the stands or the audience. Seeing the joy on your face as you watch is love to your child.
The recipe for How to Grasp a Childhood requires only one thing: You must put down your phone. Whether it is for ten minutes, two hours, or an entire Saturday, beautiful human connection, memory making, and parent-child bonding can occur every single time you let go of distraction to grasp what really matters.
The beautiful, life-changing results of your Hands Free action can start today right now the moment you put down the phone.
4 comments:
Great thoughts!
I love this post!
Loved this post. Thanks for sharing! I have had similar feelings.
Whitney I am so rarely reading blogs anymore, but funny enough I just got an ipad, which allowed me to do it during my quiet time. Ugh...now I am remembering that I should be careful not to use too much of my quiet time for this. I am giving myself and hour here in my room and it would be ideal if that was 30 minutes of reading a book and 30 minutes of sleep. But alas I thought I would relax and check in. But the first 2 paragraphs here describe exactly how I feel. I deleted all my local friends on instagram and I still feel I have too many, yet I am worried about offending anyone I delete. I took fb off my phone and that was a good move. I am at times tempted to get rid of instagram altogether, but I do like the record of my kids which can be printed later. I'm not blogging much anymore so I am glad I at least have that. But all your feelings of emptiness yet checking obsessively are all too familiar. I hope I can find a good healthy spot with it all. They will impact our connection with our kids...and eventually their capacity to connect with others. Good luck with the move!
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